The time for change.

The biggest problem with being an empath is that in loving others we sometimes forget to love ourselves. Sometimes we do so much for others that we forget to do the things that make us happy. Before you know it you are so far gone into this cycle of doing for others before yourself that it becomes near impossible to break away. You lose yourself and your essence because for so long everyone else was a priority and you were just an option to yourself. You find yourself being bullied into doing things that make you miserable. What someone recently made me realise is that respect is earned, therefore, if you do not respect yourself enough to speak up then how can anyone else respect you. Which makes so much sense right? but demanding respect is not really as easy as it sounds. You can’t exactly walk into a room and throw a tantrum and demand people to respect you. No, instead you have to change things about yourself to make yourself happy and in doing so, changing people’s perceptions about certain things related to you, earn peoples respect because they will see that you respect yourself. This is how my change started..

The first step to recovery is acceptance. Acceptance that maybe you, to an extent, are the problem not the next person. We live in a time where people easily pass the blame, of things gone wrong, on to others so actually accepting that you maybe are at fault takes courage. Step two, would then be to actually get help in dealing with whatever the problem is and that also requires courage. In all this time spent in building courage we sometimes forget to actually do. A recent conversation with someone had me put things into perspective. In this conversation i was asked who i am, to which my response came almost naturally and I found myself saying, I am nobody. Later that evening when i was alone with my thoughts i realised how wrong that answer was. Who says they are nobody?? In the bigger scheme of things we all are somebody right? and maybe that was my problem right there.. my perception of myself was slightly warped.

Yet, despite this warped perception someone understood me. He was there encouraging me to change what i don’t like and helping me to believe that in the end it will all work out. He converted me into a huge fan of Ted Talks and sent me numerous Ted X videos. ( I’ve posted a video and few links at the end of the post). Strangely these videos were what i needed to hear. They helped so much. It’s weird speaking to someone who just gets you but in many ways it comforting to know that someone else has been through it and survived. SO yes im going through what I’ve termed a personality crisis – basically I’m trying to find myself. It was time for change, a change that was outside of my comfort zone. Our comfort zones are almost like cocoons that protect us yet, sometimes i think they hamper our growth if we don’t venture out of it. Alas, I decided to “go big or go home” and do something that no one expected me to ever do. Something that although seemingly small was a huge step for me in the hope that it was the beginning of me taking back my reins.  It’s safe to say that i shocked the socks of my family.

Change is generally met with apprehension especially when you come from an Indian background. Speaking up when you normally don’t is seen as being rude. Changing your dressing can possibly be seen as a lack of modesty. In the past i would have worried about what others thought, yet doing this drastic thing somehow left me feeling liberated. I finally did something for me and it felt amazing! What did i do?? Well i chopped off all my hair and i went all out and changed the colour. I now have pink, blue and purple hair. hahaha so this Eid people spent less time asking me when im getting married and more time contemplating whether im on drugs or not. Maybe its true that our hair holds our emotions then again maybe not. Would anyone ever really know?

So here’s my thoughts just prior to getting my hair cut: (as requested by you lol more like nagged)

For days i have been psyching myself to actually go through with this. To do and not just think.If i could do this then i could do whatever it takes for me to be happy. As i sat there in Waseela’s hair salon, butterflies on a high. Nervous was an understatement!

My phone beeped, looking down i saw a message from him. “Message me when they start so that i know you not ignoring me.” I laughed at the irony of this. It was like i was speaking to the male version of me. lol that was something i would say. When my turn finally came and Waseela saw the cut i wanted she asked,”Are you sure doll? i know you love bold but this is bold even for you.” My reply was simply “Yes, im sure.” I was never more sure of anything as I was at that exact moment.

I sat there watching as my hair fell to the ground as she worked her magic and finally i was filled with a renewed sense of hope. It was as if the burdens of my past had been cut of and i felt absolutely amazing.I felt different in just a few minutes. Maybe it was noticable – ok the short hair was obviously noticable but this change was from within.

The effects of which showed not long after i got home by the manner in which i handled the “music” i had to face. I finally understand that its okay to be selfish sometimes and do things just because you feel like. Its okay if in getting what you want people get upset or they judge you or don’t understand  because really the only person you need to explain yourself to is YOU! and that is what I’m aiming to do..

A huge thank you to Mumtaz Moosa Saley for her words of encouragement and sound advice. To Azra Khan, Sabeeha Moolla, Zaakirah Mohamed, Kirsten Carls and Fayyaadh Bhamjee for being my circle of support through it all. A special thank you to Fayyaadh for never failing to be there and for effortlessly handling my stupidity lol To my sister for understanding even when i felt like nothing made sense anymore. You know you once told me that I was always there to protect you like the older sister but over the last few weeks I think you have done more than i could for you in a life time. To you for helping me find my voice of rebellion.

Ted Talks Links:

Watch “The skill of self confidence | Dr. Ivan Joseph | …” on YouTube – The skill of self confidence | Dr. Ivan Joseph | …: https://youtu.be/w-HYZv6HzAs

Watch “How to stop screwing yourself over | Mel Robbins …” on YouTube – How to stop screwing yourself over | Mel Robbins …: https://youtu.be/Lp7E973zozc

Introspection..

With the last of our Eid visitors having finally left (they came today from Durban) I finally found a few spare minutes to write this. I trust and hope all those who celebrated Eid had a joyous and blessed day. Eid is a day of festivities spent with family and friends.A day filled with laughter and excitement as children compare how much “eidie” they have receive. In the past no one cared about whose prawns were prepared the best and whose contouring was on point. Actually, back then young girls barely wore makeup. Today, however, some wear enough makeup and foundation on one day that another person could use for an entire year. I’ve actually never been a fan of foundation or mascara. Foundation is just too thick and mascara makes my eyes feel so weird. Nevertheless, to each their own right?

The day of Eid is the day that follows the last day of the month of Ramadhaan – logically. We are always told that Ramadhaan is a month of healing and although i believed it I’ve never truly experienced it until this year. It turns out that it is not just a month of spiritual healing which is what I thought. Its a month in which, if you truly introspect, you can heal your soul. That means healing in every form – physically, emotionally and spiritually. Which seems weird right? because we all truly believe that we are whole but the reality is that every person is broken in some way or the other. Some are just really good at hiding it and others are just really good at shoving it so far down that they forget it exists.

As great as that may be,life doesn’t work according to a manual. So sometimes we meet people and they bring this brokeness to the forefront and we forced to face it head on. You sit there and you wonder if you completely insane because you have these weird feelings after so long. The truth is you not insane or crazy or emotionally challenged you are simply human. Most people won’t understand  and I finally realise that that is okay. Whats important is that i understand because this is my journey not theirs.

I’ve always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Therefore, when people come into our lives they do so for a reason. Some to love us, some to hurt us, some to make us stronger and some to teach us. If you narrow it down further they are either lessons or destinations. This Ramadhaan led me to a much needed lesson. So if you are reading this, actually I know you are going to read this, I’d like to say Thank you.

Over thinking

Over the last few days I have received many messages from those of you who know me personally with concerns regarding my well- being. I assume it is because of the nature of the last post, A way out. I assure you that I am well although I can understand how those who self mutilate feel, I have not taken to that method. You can all relax. With it being the last few days of the Holy month of Ramadhaan I have been on a mission to make the most of it. Therefore, there were no posts. It is as simple as that lol.

Many people have shared their stories with me over the past few weeks. Some have told me about their journey’s to self discovery while others explained to me how they could relate to overwhelming emotions and pain that seemed endless but eventually they found it in themselves to overcome these barriers. I think the one conversation that really touched home was one that I had with a teenager. Her words were: at times I feel like there is just so much noise in my head. This is really what got me thinking because there have been times that I have also felt that way. No, it really doesn’t mean we insane or crazy. I said noise not voices. It merely means that our mind’s just don’t know when to shut up. We think and think and before we know it we over think. Many people experience this but they either know how to control it or are really good at hiding it.

This brings me back to the concept of barriers. A barrier is anything that prevents access to something else. When we, the over thinking club, speak about barriers are we referring to our thoughts? So does this make us victims of our thoughts? Are we, rather our thoughts, barring us from our peace? but how does one over come this “over thinking” mentality? because the reality is many a time, we over think things that are really fairly simple and can be sorted out by communication. Like literally pick up the phone and ask the person, ” Hey, do you have a problem with this”. What I’ve realised is that, chances are, it was all in your head and the next person didn’t even notice what you thought was a problem.

I don’t like how the use of the word “victim” makes me feel. Honestly, it makes me think of myself as weak and I may be a lot of things but weak is definitely not one of them. I wonder if these over thinking tendencies stem from lack of self belief because if we truly believe we are enough would there be a need to over think? If you are part of the “over thinking club” then i think maybe you can relate to this post and you fully understand when i say that over thinking leads to assumptions which in turn just creates so many issues.

So here’s to catching ourselves before we over think because I refuse to be a victim of any kind. what about you?

Here’s to taking control of our minds because ultimately we are the pioneers of our own peace.

A way out..

She sat there, in the quiet of her room, alone with her thoughts. The vacant look on her face masked her inner turmoil. Emotions surged as if on a high. She no longer felt in control of what went on within her. All she could feel, was there on the forefront hitting her like waves, huge engulfing waves. She couldn’t see the silver lining, instead all she saw was the darkness that surrounded her.

They said being a nice person came at a price. Oh! but what a grave price one had to pay. She felt it take her once more, consume her like the ocean does when you drown. She knew then that she needed to get out. She needed to escape but how does one escape oneself? How do you run from what’s inside you? As if instinctively she grabbed the scissors laying nearby, rolled up her sleeve and made her first cut. She watched as the blood oozed out staining her pants. As it oozed, she felt the turmoil flow. She felt it being released. Finally, she felt relief. No, the emotions were not gone just merely silenced as they focused on the physical pain.

She knew then that the only way she were to survive a lifetime with herself was to inflict this physical pain on herself, for she was an empath. An empath who loved with every fibre of her being. An empath who knew not how to “turn if off”, who didn’t know how to “flip the switch” when it became too much. When it threatened to engulf her and steal her happiness.

Many a time we read about people who inflict physical pain on themselves to find relief from their emotions. To escape their real pain. Self mutilation is REAL. Its about as real as it gets. The very person next to you could possibly be someone that self mutilates. More often than not, people look upon these individuals with pity and disgust. “How can they do that? how can they cut themselves?” We pass these comments and questions around but we never delve deeper. We never ask ourselves what drives someone to such extremes. To inflict pain on themselves intentionally. The answer is PAIN. Pain is what drives people to self mutilate.Emotional pain, the kind of pain that can’t really be put into words. The kind of pain that steals all your joy and you left wondering when will the sun shine again.

Sometimes it is pain brought on by depression. Depression caused by feelings of self loath or inadequacy. Before we judge, lets be honest with ourselves, at some point or the other, everyone experiences feelings of inadequacy. Be in it a romantic setting where one just wants to feel loved, to be wanted and needed by someone else. Or in a professional environment, where despite all the qualifications you possess you still feel like you lack something. Maybe a failed relationship triggered it or failure on a whole. There can be multiple reasons and numerous explanations.

The reality is that we don’t really know what people feel and when they feel it. We have become masters of disguise, so good at hiding what we really feel. Sometimes the girl with the broadest smile makes the most cuts. So never judge a book by it’s cover. Be kind to people. Be kind to strangers. Anyone can be mean and nasty but it takes a special kind of person to be kind when their world seems to be falling apart at the seams. If you know someone, it could be an empath or not, who is suffering from their most recent bout of depression. Give them a hug and let them know that its going to be okay. That in itself is reassurance and a huge help. Sometimes all we need is a good support system in order to admit that we have a problem. Acceptance is the first step to recovery. It is something you should not be ashamed off, no, instead accept that how you are coping is not healthy for you and seek help. There is help out there! And most importantly you are not alone. Believe me when i say i know all too well how difficult it is to emotional. To juggle what you feel and still pretend to be happy but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I truly believe that. Together we can make a difference, it just takes one small step. Lets take this step together. You and me both.

They say every person we meet is fighting their own battle. So the next time you see a stranger and you make make eye contact for just a second, smile at them. Who knows maybe that smile will help them through the day. I leave with this poem i came across on facebook in an article titled, How to love an empath

To Love an Empath – Rebecca Lammersen

I’m all feelings, that’s it

Lit with emotions that just won’t quit.

I wish,

I wish i could turn them off with a switch,

but that’s not an option,

Till I’m buries in a ditch.

There’s always a trade to be made,

every decision keeps me saved.

Sometimes it caused strife,

cause i refuse to cut the emotions outta my life.

My dream would be,

to express all and be received,

Yet no on wants to love the girl who seems dis- eased.

You’re not deceived,

so stop believing the lies you feed.

You must understand,

I’ve been freed.

Sometimes i question how to get by,

But I’ll never give up,

I’ll continue to try.

Every time I dive into my head,

I can’t seem to make heard or said.

See, the feelings keep dripping from my heart,

Cause it’s the only way I know to live my art.

Forced to hide inside my mind.

It’s torture in here,

The Joy, the sadness just won’t disappear.

You ask me to shut it down,

Cause then I can’t make a sound,

So I don’t disturb you and your ground

But I can’t, I won’t.

Either love me fully or let me go.

I don;t have time to be a ghost.

I took off the sheet when I realised, It’s the only way to stay alive.

Next time I cry,

Next time I scream

Hold me close,

Please don’t leave.

Just keep me open, so I can bleed.

This is how to love the life I lead.

Success in another name

While browsing the internet just now, I came across this beautiful quote by Rumi:

“Somewhere between right and wrong is a garden. I will meet you there”

This reminded me of the 2013 biographical movie, Diana. The movie closed with this particular quote. It is based on a novel by Kate Snell’s titled Diana: Her Last Love and depicts the last 2 years of the late Lady Diana’s life. Growing up everyone was so caught up in the life of this controversial beauty. To date documentaries about her life is still aired. I must admit, I was always fascinated by her compassion for people of all colours and creed. If you haven’t watched the movie, I’d suggest you read the book instead (I haven’t, personally, read it as yet but generally books are always better than the movie) because the movie left a lot to be desired. It basically focused on her love affair with a Pakistani heart surgeon, Haznat Khan.

Now, you probably wondering what angle I’m going for here because this woman has been dead for over a decade. See, in life we can learn from both our mistakes and the mistakes of others. Being a Princess Diana had every luxury money could buy, most women would love to be Princesses, right? That which she didn’t have could be purchased on a whim. She had everything save for two things, happiness and love. We live our lives striving to be successful, to earn money and make a name for ourselves that we sometimes forget to actually live.(Basically we exist claiming that we living) To enjoy the present and the now.

This is what brought me to this post and the concept of success. Everyone has a different definition of success. As strange as that may sound it’s actually true. Success as defined by the dictionary is the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. Yet, the actual definition as per an individual can be anything from professional growth, monetary value or just plain old status within the community. As individuals in an every changing world. A world to which the likes of compassion and humanity seem to be lost one has to pick wisely as to what they measure their success against. Everyone ultimately aims to leave a legacy behind them. Some wish to gain fame and world recognition. Others aim to build an empire and leave behind a legacy of power. I only have one question though, are people actually going to remember you by doing all that?

Emotions are what fuel people. It’s the engine of every relationship, be it friendship or love. To me, success is measured in that which is intangible. How many hearts have I warmed or smiles I’ve broadened. Maybe that makes me an idealist but in my opinion people forget what you do for them, what you buy them but no one ever forgets how someone made them feel. Someday when I die I’d like people to remember me as that young lady who made them smile or touched their hearts with my kindness. Being a sensitive person, I believe that we should treat others as we wish to be treated. Sure, I have those crazy moments, days, weeks and at times months where I question my own sanity. Where i ask myself do I have borderline personality disorder because I try and try and most times my trying is not met half way by other people. Should that stop me from trying? NO! because how people see me and treat me should not affect how I treat them or see them. See, how we treat others says a lot about who we are conversely how others treat us says a lot about them.

Few months back while doing a business transaction with a particular company I received a heart warming compliment for this trait of mine. The lady I dealt with, personally, sent me a message saying that in all her years of working with people she has never dealt with someone as kind, soft spoken and polite as me. That, for me, was a moment of pride. A moment at which my parents upbringing was not in vain. Sadly, not everyone receives my personality with opens arms. Some feel I’m too soft or clingy or just emotional. I respect your opinion and I choose to ignore it. Why? because my legacy will not be mine if I change who I am. Therefore, some will love me and some won’t and that is just the circle of life. Life is too short to make the wrong choices. So choose wisely as to where your success lies and what really is deemed successful to you because if you make the wrong choice it might be too late to change it when you finally realise that you made the wrong one. Maybe in choosing that rock you missed a diamond.

To the one person that I feel I owe an apology to, hopefully you will read this. If someone treated me as I have treated you the past few weeks I’d be hurt. At the same time your indifference towards me had hurt me gravely and that is what spurned my behaviour towards you. I don’t know what life has in store for me or you but I think we functioned better when we had no expectations of each other.  Therefore, its time to let go and move on. I see you as emotionally unavailable whereas I am an emotional charity show, with bucket loads to give. Thank you for showing me many things and making this short while beautiful. These memories with you I will cherish for time to come. I wish you all the best for what lies ahead and pray that God grants you the ability to truly love and not just receive love, for that is where we gain the most pleasure. I guess what’s is meant to be will be so lets leave it in Allah’s hands.

Apart of me will always love you..

From a different angle

Today while waiting for my dad to fetch us, somewhere along the way I think he forgot about us, my mum and I were discussing love triangles. I will get to that in a bit but first I’d like to digress a bit. I mentioned to my mum something that I came across regarding single woman and I wanted her opinion.

Basically, this man had written a piece about woman who are single over the age of 25. According to him, these woman were single because they were too fussy at a younger age. Now, at the brink of their mid- twenties single woman would try to cling to anything that seemed like a good prospect. Honestly, this view really upset me. Why? Simply because I am 26 and single, not for lack of trying. Believe me I have tried. I’ve done the infamous samoosa runs, whereby a stranger who is looking for a prospective spouse comes home to view the girl in question. It’s almost like being put on display only you have to actually interact with the given person. Honestly, it’s really nerve-wrecking and rather silly to assume that 2 people can make such an informed decision in such a short period of time. Thankfully though, the gentleman that came to see me was one that possessed intellect and instead of a few minutes of discussion, we actually had a full hour. Yeah, somewhere along the line we discussed concrete, creeping and various other construction terms. He made for good conversation but sadly it didn’t work out based on the out comes of Istikhara. (a prayer for guidance).

I’ve done the telephonic interview – yes, people actually do that. The man who had conducted the interview was looking for a hermit. He used the term “wife” but he actually meant hermit, you know someone who never leaves the house. Like ever! that’s exactly what he told me. This made me realise that although looks matter for an attraction to exist I required someone with intellect as my spouse. My father’s advice to me regarding marriage and finding the elusive “one” is always “it’s not about who you would like to spend your life with, it’s about who wants to spend theirs with you.” Which translates to find someone who wants to wake up next to you for the rest of your life irrespective of the fact that you might look like a dragon because you forgot to remove your make the night before. Hahah ok, that’s my version, but I think a version you are all more familiar with is pick the one that loves you more that you love them.

So having some guy write something based on a generalization really irked me because i was not too fussy. I put myself out there, as they say. My mother, generally being my voice of reason, simply said, “Nevermind, at the end of the day everything happens as per the will of Allah. Taqdeer (destiny) remember, so no matter what anyone says nothing that is meant for you will reach you before its appointed time.” My mother’s reasoning made sense, as it always does. As my nephew says “mother’s know everything.” Nevertheless, this got me thinking about destiny and stuff like that. From my Knowledge almost all religions have some basis of destiny is it not? We all believe that everything happens for a reason right? So why then do we judge people at every possible opportunity, I mean I know we all judge to some extent but something’s I think should just be left alone considering we have no actual control over it, no?

Ok, so back to the love triangles. We were discussing love triangles. Where girl loves boy, boy loves girl but is secretly in love with someone else. My mother highlighted something that I had never realised until she painted that particular picture for me. (ok, maybe I did realise it but I have my own opinions on these things and I’m generally extremely headstrong in my thoughts and belief) She said that being a mother one wants what’s best for their sons. A lot of pressure is placed on men when they reach an age deemed to be “ready for marriage”. Unfortunately, they have to seek a spouse that will “fit in” to their family life. Now, many people believe that you don’t marry the family you marry the boy. In an Indian society, that is where problems usually stem from. Unfortunately, we need our prospective in-laws to approve of us. What happens if the boy falls in love with someone they don’t approve off?

This boy has two options: 1) move on and find someone his family will approve off or 2) man the hell up and be with who you love (now, me being me, I’d say its a no brainer, right? be with who you love). This is where my mothers reasoning brought light to the situation. (Please bare in mind that I come from a home where I will never be forced to marry against my will. Basically, we are given the choice to find our own spouses or if we choose to and approach them, my parents will seek out prospective spouses for us. However, not everyone is that lucky.) Sometimes people fall in love and have to part ways because society deems their relationship to be taboo. But who sets these standards? Who determines what’s acceptable and what’s not? And basically this is how we ended up on the topic of love triangles, where sometimes a man is trying to move on from a past love. Yet, he doesn’t inform his current interest of his “situation”. (I’m using the term man not because this is only applicable to men, women too are guilty of this, but merely because I am a woman) Does one inform the other person involved that “I’m using you to move on from my previous love. I, possibly,  may never love you but I’m going to try? “.I don’t know if that’s something I’d like to know. Would you? Maybe I’m naïve, I have been called that recently, but I think I would prefer not knowing. Sure, knowledge is power but how does that particular piece of knowledge empower me? It doesn’t. All it does is make me doubt everything I had with this person and in all fairness there’s no saying they won’t fall in love with me. I am that awesome.

Jokes aside, is that fair to them? Then again is that man being fair to the “third wheel” by whispering sweet nothings to her all the while craving the affection of another? I’d really like to know why they call it sweet nothings. My theory is that its something sweet that’s said yet, nothing ever comes of it. You know those whispers of “I love you” or “I’m going to marry you” but then nothing. Literally nothing. It simply dies a peaceful death lol Ah, the agony of love. As I’ve mentioned before, empath’s love with every ounce of their core. When an empath uses the “L” word, they mean it.( Me, well I honestly wanted to follow in my mother’s footsteps by having a “one and only”. I’ve only once used the “L” word and well I’m still single. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.) Yet, a lot of the time an empath is responsible for their own agony and heartache. This was highlighted in an article I read today on Facebook- yes, sadly I spend my time on Facebook reading not stalking. It’s possible that I may upset the balance of the world by using Facebook as a tool for anything else other than stalking. I’m a bookworm what can I say.

Nevertheless, the article was titled The Toxic Attraction Between an Empath & a Narcissist.  I don’t know how to post the link on here but if you have Facebook please check it out on the Elephantjournal Page. The writer highlighted something that I think every empath needs to acknowledge. That is, as empaths we seek love and care but ultimately due to our personality types we seek to “fix” and to heal and to help. What we each need to realise is that we can’t “fix” anyone. Everyone is responsible for fixing themselves, but this again has to come from them not from you. If you don’t already know, Narcissism is a personality disorder linked to mental illness.(most people deny this but its the truth. Most narcissist are also unaware of their behaviour patterns). It is when people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. Normally, this farce of narcissism is used to hide a fragile self-esteem that threatens to crumble at the very head of criticism. Narcissism is the complete opposite of being empath. Sure opposites attract and sometimes it makes for a great combination but sometimes an empath isn’t strong enough to handle a narcissistic individual. Treatment? Well normally this trait extents to adolescents who then out grow it but sometimes we see adults who possess these traits.

As far as treatment for adults go, they have to want to change it’s as simple as that. I’m honestly not sure if a relationship between the two can survive, if it does will they both still be the same, intact beings? or will the narcassist in his lack of empathy kill of the empath day by day? Is it possible for someone to be an empath of the highest degree and still display narcissistic traits? I wish I had these answers because then my journey to self discovery will be that much easier. I’m reminded of that saying “anything worth having doesn’t come easy”, if I want to be the best version of me, I guess I am going to have to toil for it. Many people have read the previous posts and some were kind enough to provide me with feedback. (any feedback is welcome as I love knowing what other people think).

Today’s feedback warmed my heart because I realised that through these words I was able to touch the lives of others. I’m sure you know I’m talking about you Fathima. lol! One such conversation led to something very interesting sparked by a question of a dear friend, Faaiza. She said, “what if we came out with a samoosa run CV?” The idea was just brilliant. The most important thing on the CV perhaps would be: personality type. This would really assist people like me to sus out those who are real and those who just claim to be, for example when you see PERSONALITY TYPE: Asshole, you can immediately tell the person to take a hike. lol There’s so much more I can say regarding these topics but maybe lets leave that for another time. I leave you with this quote, “And, when you want something, the entire universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” – Paulo Coelho, the Alchemist keep trying and keep toiling till you find what you truly seek…

Love and dating in the modern world..

Before I get into the actual topic at hand for today, I’d like to say a huge thank you to Fathima Pochee  for editing my posts and fixing up all my grammatical errors. As well two very kind souls from Malalane, Safwaanah and Yusuf a.k.a Joey Guman. Thank you for the kindness you offered to my family and I. (if you don’t already follow Safwaanah, please give her a follow on Instagram. She is an amazing amateur wildlife photographer)

Today’s topic is very random in the sense that its something I don’t particularly like discussing. However, it’s something that I’ve currently experienced so it’s very close to home. Its centered around love and dating. At some point in our lives we have all suffered a heartbreak, some major stemming from divorce or separation and some not so major. We all focus on the break up that no one really discusses love or dating.

What is love? Love is respect, its mutual growth, its caring and understanding, its unconditional. Love is, after 30 years of marriage, holding your wife’s hand when you go out in public. Love is, living over 600kms away from your significant other but, making time to speak to them every day. Love is giving of yourself unconditionally. How does one give of themselves? Time.. giving someone your time is as close to giving of yourself as it gets.(Time being the most important commodity on Earth) To me, love is what I see in parents everyday. Sigh.. I think my parents have set a very high standard to which I probably look to in this regard. (Possibly why I’m still single). As Nicholas Sparks highlighted in his book, A Walk to Remember, “Love is patient and kind, it is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish…”

A wise person once told me that love is something that can not truly be explained. It something that varies from person to person, therefore, every persons description of love will differ based on how they have experienced it.So we should enjoy the experience instead of spending precious time trying to understand it. Love is then an abstract emotion is it not? And though it may be varying and abstract it yields the same power over us all (that is if you have truly loved). Loving someone means giving them ability to tear you apart but trusting them not to. Fathima Pochee once told me that the sooner we each realise that the next person may not have the same heart as you, the happier we will be. How true is that? If we realise that we love differently to the next person would that not, in the long run, reduce our heartache when things fall apart? (If they fall apart)

Someone once told me that every person wants to feel wanted and needed at some point in their lives. Whether you take that in a sexual context or not is entirely up to you. However, in most instances we crave affection and love. Occasionally when we receive that affection or love we require some sort of validation for that affection. The author/ blogger, Muhammed Ismail, mentioned in his blog that “sometimes a girl needs words before, during and after the action.”  though i wonder is it only women who feel the need for validation? The need to be wanted or needed, does that not extent to males? or does their Y-chromosome bring about enough testosterone that they are able to stroke their own egos?

Again I will quote a reference from one of Muhammed Ismail’s posts, I honestly don’t remember if it’s his blog or his book. (Disclaimer: By quoting him, in no way do I vouch that he has in fact a believer of what he writes. I’m merely regurgitating the quote)

“True honour lies not in a man’s words but in his actions as speech is free but action comes at a lofty price” – Muhammed Ismail

You are probably wondering how this relates to love and heartache? The connection is actually quite simple. Any man, or should I say boy, can tell a woman he loves her but only a real man will stand by his word. It is only a real man that will weather the storm in the quest to prove his words to be true by means of action. Sometimes we meet men, who claim to be exactly that, but in reality they are cowards. They are scared little boys who go around prying on innocent women craving affection thereby providing them with an ego boost. Human nature is stupid though, we always want what we can’t have. Thus the “game” begins. My questions are, “Are we not too old for games?”, “Are mind games really needed?” and “Whatever happened to just being straight up, sure im into you or sorry im just not that into you”. Before I get called out for being sexist, the reverse is true as well. There are some women in this world who also enjoy a good “game”. It seems that they too are under the misconception that a person’s emotions are toys (those people forget about Karma).

Many a time we read articles and they say you are what you attract.  Personally, I feel that’s a whole load of bullshit. I attract assholes but I assure you I am not an asshole… I do believe that positivity breeds positivity. Now that does not mean that if you pray and hope he will message you, then he will. No! honestly if he doesn’t message you chances are he is never going to. If he hasn’t called you its not that he forgot it is simply that he had no intention of calling you in the first place. As women, our thoughts are our own worst enemies. We analyse and over think and 99% of the time we end up feeling way worse then we did before we started (this is something i had to learn recently. Love is poved in the letting go).

However, I think in the wake of a break up we need to accept that it doesn’t define who we are as people. In no way does it mean that we are inadequate or less beautiful than we were before.For some strange reason women feel that way when a relationship ends. If that person makes you feel less adequate then they don’t deserve you why? Because if someone can’t accept you and love you when you falling apart on the bathroom floor at 2am, they dont deserve you in your Louboutins and that sexy red dress at 2pm. Also, as simple as it may be, if someone is meant to be in your life they will stay, no matter what.

The worst part of being an empath is that when we love, we love completely. When we fall, we fall hard. (I have a few friends, who are empaths themselves, that can attest to this) and although we don’t trust easily we fall quickly. Many a person believes that if you are a single girl over the age of 25 you sitting on the shelf being dusted off, eagerly waiting for prince charming. That may be true for many others, I wouldn’t really know, but for myself its very far from the truth. Sure, I wanted someone to love me but I never went in search of it. When he finally came I was floored. Almost at cloud 9 you can only imagine how hard a fall it turned out to be… To an empath being ignored is worst than inflicting physical pain and indifference really has the power to injure them (if not kill them) this is why people fail to understand the love we empaths give off. We don’t function nor benefit from any “dating rules” like most others do. Ignore us and after a few failed attempts we pack up shop and move on.

We live in a world where dating is governed by rules. Rules that dictate who should meassage first and how many hours one should ignore the object of their affect in order to gain their undivided attention. Little do we know that in the time that he was so busy ignoring her and she so busy ignoring him, they become strangers. We live in a world where people are quick to use quotes like “a man who treats a woman like a princess is proof that he was raised by a Queen”. Did your queen not advise you that keeping a woman on a string is disrespectful? Did your queen not teach you that someday you might have a daughter and that instead of treating her like a princess, treat her in the same manner you would like someone to treat your daughter. The reality is that men claim they know what women want, and women, well we claim that we know what men want i.e sex. Yet, our claims are far fetched. Sure men want sex, men will be men. However, they want love and affection and validation as well. Women, we want time!! we dont need to be treated like a princess or get gifts or anything, we just need love and a little bit of your time.

Is that really asking too much? It possibly is…

Thank you for being my Inspiration..

Inspiration comes to us at the weirdest of times. Mostly when we least expect it. Inspiration can take any form or size, it can stem from an object, a person or just a random thought. For an artist, the world is like a canvas bringing with it an urge to create master pieces.

What is inspiration really? It is basically the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something. That “something” can literally be anything.The possibilities are endless. Sometimes in life a select few are fortunate enough to be inspired in a way that embeds itself in their memory. See, there are different forms of inspiration. For example a person can be inspired to create, to paint, to write, to do something extraordinary and very rarely to become better at what we already are:human.

I’m am fortunate enough to have had such an inspiration. It’s amazing how one person can change everything in your life in just a day. They can make your entire existence seem more colourful by just being there.Suddenly, everything has more meaning. This person has inspired me to be a better person, in more ways than one, based on their kindness, their child-like innocence that sparkles when they speak about topics close to their heart. When they themselves seek not fame or riches but the betterment of humans around the world. It is this and their willingness to see beyond the flaws that inspire.

If you ever read this, I’d like to say thank you. Thank you for bringing colour into my life for however a short period it may have been. If nothing else, you have been my inspiration and for that I will always be grateful. I don’t know what life has in store for me and that is why I used the term “short period” because sometimes people come into our lives, they teach us a lesson and they move on. As a result we grow. Growth is life evidently.

Have you ever seen that guy who growing up everyone called him a player? All the girls would say “stay away from him. He’s a player”. Years later, he meets a girl and miraculously gives up “the game”. No, it was not miraculous. He was inspired to be a better person, to mend his ways. His inspiration was a person, a girl.

So yes, its true that we can’t force people to change and rightfully we shouldn’t. In all honesty, if you with someone and you want to change them then why are you with them in the first place? Changing them no longer makes them who they are and most importantly change should come from within. Instead, we should be the best versions of ourselves in the hope that, someday, we inspire someone to better themselves. To make the change to be the best version they can be.

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Remember to love…

Make it known.

My last post was centered on the ideology that people who insult single women, based only on their relationship status, are in fact oblivious to the fact that they are insulting them. Every day millions of young unmarried women all around the world have to face these insults. Why? because society says that if you aren’t married by certain age you are going to be left on a shelf where you will be dusted off for the rest of your life.

On closer inspection one notices that this stigma is mainly associate to Indian communities, where severe pressure is placed on unmarried women. NOT MEN!! Ever notice that barely anyone ostracized a man for being single after the age of 25? Instead, men are greatly praised for waiting to me more “mature” before settling down. (little do most people know, maturity has absolutely nothing to do with age but I’ll save that for a different post). As our lives become more advanced, our thoughts retard. An increasing number of people view single women as taboo. Again my question is why??? Let’s be honest, if we could choose, many of us would be married already living blissful lives in the Swiss Alps, with husbands that put even the hottest of men to shame.

Alas, this is life and not a fictional tale where we get to choose the characters. People on social networks now even resort to using them as a means of “putting it out there” and making public knowledge of their changing relationship status. I have, therefore, come up with a guide for all those ladies who want to be part of those rubbing it in the faces of single people. (I’m considering coming out with a book as there seems to be a growing market for this. I can’t tell you much lest you steal my ideas but the book will be called “how to tell the World you no longer single – for dummies.”

STEP 1: Get married STEP 2: Change your relationship status from single, in a relationship, its complicated, have 10 cats to MARRIED STEP 3: Upload all and any wedding pictures you may have. (in case anyone missed your relationship status update on their news feed) STEP 4: Locate and Identify all the single women on your facebook profile STEP 5: Initiate a chat with one, preferably someone who you haven’t interacted with in years. Be sure to mention that you are now married more than 10 times just to be safe. yes, all this is necessary because I mean whose to say the given person noticed that you changed your relationship status or that you uploaded over 100 pictures to an album called “Our Wedding Day”. They could have missed it right? lol Honestly, we saw it…All of it. I know that if I have to see it, I’d be happy for you and then I’d scroll down. What does that mean? Basically it means it doesn’t really affect my life in any way so I’m not going to make a fuss about it. I’ve never been one to advertise my private business on Facebook but thank you for sharing yours with me.

To a more serious topic, one I think that society overlooks. (it’s always the woman that’s at fault) Please don’t claim that I’m being sexist because I’m not. I, personally, feel that the calibre of men has decreased. Therefore, to those old aunties I’d like you to think of a few things before you decide to single out a woman for not being married. Do you have a son? What values have you instilled in your son to make him a worthy husband to someone’s daughter? Yes, chivalry is a great trait to have but with all due respect we women can open our own doors and pull out our own chairs in exchange for respect, dignity and affection. Have you taught your son these things? Have you taught your son that a woman’s feeling should not be his toys and that no matter what he should respect her enough to be honest with her? Have you instilled in your son values such as honesty and integrity? If you have not then please do not even for a second assume that your son deserves the best or that he is too “good”. That’s just utter rubbish. Don’t give someone a rock and expect them to produce a diamond for you. The Almighty has decreed that for every good man there is an equally good woman. Therefore, just because we single it doesn’t mean we any less than any other woman. No, in fact, all it means is that we waiting for the day our patience is rewarded with something great because ultimately… Every diamond deserves gold – Zuleika Bibi Suleman

Singlism.

Singlism  is basically a form of discrimination and negative stereotyping against singles. It is something which every single person faces in today’s day and age. More so if you are a woman over the age of 24, like myself.

What does the word single really mean?

To me, and most normal individuals, the term ‘single’ meant exactly the thing when I was 15  as it does now that i am 26. It is simply means not being in a relationship, stemming from its denotation, with anyone other than oneself. How can a person be in a relationship with themselves, you probably wondering? The answer is by being comfortable with who you are. By enjoying your own company. By knowing that although you, someday,might like to share your time with a man, you don’t need a man to make you happy. You simply are a strong enough individual who enjoys their freedom. Be it freedom of speech or freedom of action. Yes, I’m well aware that this is outlined in the Constitution but I don’t think they knew those rights had anything to do with being single at the time of it’s compilation.

Sadly, Indian society thinks otherwise and this is where things get interesting. In recent years medical science has discovered a new, highly contagious disease. This discovery was made possible by all those, judgmental, old ladies attending weddings of people whose names they couldn’t remember. This disease, known to common folk, as “being single”  has varying symptoms. Some include: not having a spouse after the age of 24, being called “poor thing” and the excessive use of the word “shame” in a sentence involving your name, age and relationship status. Common ways of treating these symptoms include: being taken to a moulana (priest) for a taweez to “help you” or going to that other old aunty who turns salt, lest you were caught by the evil eye.

Furthermore, if you were once part of the single club and have effectively managed to get out of it, my question to you is: “Was it as hard as getting out of the friend-zone?” Lol. No, but seriously this “condition” is especially recognised by newly weds. See, if you are recently married be sure to keep your husband away from those single ladies.(If you thought this is the part where I break into song and dance of “All the single ladies” you sadly mistaken. OK! I may have been humming the tune slightly.) He may just see them and recall why being single was so appealing. So Instead of risking it all, what you have to do is just pretend like you have never met these single people before in your life thereby avoiding any chance of the contagion being passed on. How to do it? Simple. See some single lady you were best friends with just last week when you were in the single club, grab your recently found husband and run! Don’t look back, just move those legs woman! Then weeks later give her a call and complain about how she never has time for you anymore. Yes, because I didn’t see you sprinting out of Edgars just a few weeks back. I’m single not stupid!

For some strange reason people have the urge to make it known that they are no longer single. What they fail to realise is no one really cares, like honestly, your marital status is the least important thing in my life. Just last week, a girl who had not spoken to me in over two years sent me a message on facebook. This is how the conversation went:

Girl: Salaam. How are you? its been a while hey.

Me: Was-salaam. I’m good thanks and you? yes it has.

Girl: I don’t know if you know, but I’m married now.

Really? how could I not know when you updated your relationship status to married, which then appeared on my news feed.

Me: that’s nice. Congrats.

Girl: How’s things? Not getting married anytime soon?

I get that people who get married are happy and wish to share this news with the world and everyone possible but asking a person when they getting married merely because you now have the words “Mrs” before your name is completely inconsiderate. To be honest, it makes you a dumbass. There is no better way to describe you. The harsh truth is no one really cares if you got married or had babies especially if you hadn’t contacted the person in years.

So to all those recently married ladies who go around rubbing their new found marital status in the noses of single ladies this is something for you to think about. To all those single ladies out there who need a bit of motivation here’s a reminder why you should keep smiling. In the wise words of Jimmy Soul:

“ If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life

Never make a pretty woman your wife

So for my personal point of view

get an ugly girl to marry you…”

Hahahah! so ultimately that is why you are married and I’m not.. Just saying.

To be continued…